Friday, July 26, 2013


I have been quite lazy in the upkeep of my social media. Do not fear loyal servants, I have not died. Yet. 
   Instead I have been lazy. No more or less than usual, I have just found my carpet to be incredibly comfortable. It's soft, woven from the hair of the fluffiest sheep that dot along the sides of glorious mountains in far-off countries. 
  Or not. But a Cat can dream, can he not? 
My carpet is of a particular loveliness. It's soft, and there's miles upon miles of it. I can lay wherever I wish upon it and be perfectly comfortable. If you do not possess such a carpet and you are in a set of circumstances to get one,  I would highly recommend it.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Heat is not cool.

It's hot here.
When I say hot, I mean HOT. God fucking damn, my fur was frying off when I tried to roll around in the middle of the street.
I don't approve of this at all and whoever authorized it to be this fucking hot has a sick sense of humor and needs to stop because this isn't funny.
  "But Clark! You're a cat! Can't you just shed your coat? You're a Cat, after all."
I could. But then in another hour I'd make a post about how annoying shedding in and how much fur ends up in your mouth and how the humans never stop complaining about all the goddamn fur and it's not worth it. Unpopular opinion I know, but it's really not worth it.
 Also my coat is fucking marvelous why would I ever want to lose it? I'm quite a big fan of my fur. You can't really blame me,  it's a very nice coat. I'd still be handsome without it, but it still makes me look pretty damn nice.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I like the rain.

It's quite nice. Especially summer rain, where it's humid and drizzly. I can sit outside on my little porch and just watch it fall. Listen to it's pitter-patter. It's graceful in a subtle kind of way, particularly soothing to listen to. 
   Sitting outside and listening to the rain is a nice escape from always listening to my humans talk. They never really seem to stop talking, and not even about anything that interesting. Politics, music, clothing, sports, just yawn worthy stuff. I prefer when they talk of food,  or even better, when they're totally quiet, so I can just sleep peacefully. 
  Humans rarely do shut up however, so those quiet little moments in the rain are the best. 
Now if you excuse me, I have rain to watch. 

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Story-time with Clark

One day, a few years back or so, I did something stupid.
I know that you're shocked, but try to let in sink it, every Cat has a moment when they act a little human.
I was just wondering about my neighborhood, hopping into people's backyards, killing small animals, etc. When I saw it in one of my neighbor's yards. (Really one of my yard's, as everything is mine)

It was really ugly.

Like even uglier than the average human.

It also smelled pretty weird.

It was strangely tiny, a little bit bigger than a fat rabbit, but not that big. I figured it was just some unintelligent, overfed rabbit that had consumed a few too many chemicals or something.

As I was sitting on the fence and watching it, it saw me, and it started yipping at me. A horrible, high-pitched noise that I can only describe as yipping. 

In hindsight- I probably should have seen that it was not just a radioactive obese rabbit, as rabbits don't yip, but I didn't see it.

It was horrid, too loud, too long, and it just wouldn't STOP. After about 5 minutes I thought that it still wouldn't shut up, so I leaped off the fence and attacked it.

It yipped louder and louder, but I didn't care. In just a minute it would stop.

But before I could do that, I would have to show my servants my strange catch. I picked it up and was trying to carry it off so I could rip open it's tiny body and feast on its flesh when a human emerged from the house connected to the yard and started screaming.

I was so startled that I dropped my radioactive, obese rabbit and jumped over the fence.

I strutted on home, putting this little event out of my mind.

I would never have given it a second thought if not for a knock on the door come a few days time.

It was the human who had screamed, with a smaller younger human, who I presumed to be her son cowering behind her.

I was half-asleep, so I wasn't quite listening, but I did count several phrase and snippets of words.

"Your cat... tried to carry off our dog... Chihuahua..."

I was quite confused for a minute, before my nimble brain pieced together everything. My radioactive obese rabbit was actually a dog. And I had almost eaten it.

Pity that I hadn't succeeded.

I was fully awake by then, and had sauntered up to the door to sit behind my servant who had answered the door and stare at the humans with the ugly dog.

They stared at me for a second before making an excuse and leaving.

The whole experience reminded me why I was awesome.

And that concludes story time.

Did you enjoy it? Of course you did, that's hardly a question.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

I'm no lolcat.

I am not fat.

Why do people keep saying I am?

I'm just a muscular Cat, and as any intelligent being knows (and even unintelligent beings, namely d-o-g-s) muscle weighs more than fat. It's not that hard to understand.

I don't like being called fat. It makes me feel like one of those cheeseburger-eating lolcatz. It makes me feel bad about myself.

Do any of you humans think that we voluntarily become lolcatz? No. We don't. If you couldn't tell.

I don't like being referred to as "the fat Cat", or "Mr. Chubs" or anything of that manner.

I prefer "Killer", "Handsome McCat", or "Stud Muffin" or anything that really represents my true nature.

It's even worse that this kind of thing is encouraged on the internet today. Most of us Cats hold ourselves in very high regards, and being told that we're just cheeseburger eating butterballs, isn't that great.

Mind you, if you are a bigger kitty, or a cheeseburger eating lolcat, that's absolutely fine too.

But, to all of you humans out there, not all of us are.

So keep that in mind the next time you're building memes, you sill humans.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

It's been dull.

Hello loyal followers. 
I'm sure you've been wondering what's been happening in the world of Clark, and, I'm sorry to say, not too much.
I haven't got in any more fights, I haven't killed any more small animals. Nothing.
So yes, I will be blogging more, I know so many of you are begging me too start back up again.
Even on the dullest of days, I'll try to have some kind of blog post up.
No promises though.
-Clark the bored Cat

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Happy Holidays!

Hello there peeps! I'm quite preoccupied at the moment, I got some catnip toys and I've been the center of attention, rolling around in them and being adorable. Acting rather high really, but the servants just find it adorable. I question their logic too, but I am pretty adorable, you can't really blame them.
    But I took a break from being high on catnip to offer all of you a Merry Christmas. Or other holiday, really just Merry Holidays in general.
  Why do people always say "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Holidays"?
Humans are confusing.
Well, I should get back to being adorable and acting high now, have to keep the humans entertained.
-Clark the merry Cat